The Truth Behind My Latest Novel

Two days ago, my book went out in the world.

And while there is certainly excitement with the launch, there is also a great deal of fear. Not just that people are going to like it (I hope they do), but because of the nature of the content. This is the darkest, most complex thing I have ever written. Channeling the main character was frightening at times. It seems that every time I captured his voice, I was strapping on a harness and diving back into a black hole. Part of this black hole was dealing with my own struggle with mental health.

Most people who know me would say that I’m a very happy, outgoing individual. But like most of us, I have an uncanny ability to conceal inner pain. You learn how to smile, make jokes, and keep people happy. Don’t make too many waves. But below the surface, there are inner demons that are clawing to get out.

My struggle began in my early twenties. Most of my internal pain manifested itself as a form of OCD, a barrage of destructive, anxious, compulsive thoughts. Sometimes, it felt like there was another voice inside me. A voice that wanted to hurt me. A voice that wanted me to feel pain. A voice that wanted to break me. A voice that tortured me from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. This is the voice of a character named Bob in the book. You won’t like him. He’s kind of the villain.

For much of my early twenties, I did whatever I had to do to drown that voice. Relationships. Booze. It didn’t matter. But whenever those initial highs faded, the voice would come back stronger, more intense. My life became controlled by horrible panic attacks.

Thankfully, even in my darkest times, there was another hand that was guiding me as well. A higher power that offered tiny moments of hope and clarity.

One of those moments was the day I mysteriously picked up the pen to write. I believe that discovering an innate desire to tell stories was no coincidence. That was divine intervention. Writing saved my life. Writing allowed me to begin a journey of self-discovery. A journey of confronting my darkest fears and anxieties through facing the blank page. Writing helped me pull back the curtain of my soul. It allowed me to uncover the wounds and shame I buried and hid from.

Of course, uncovering my shadows didn’t mean they relinquished their power. In fact, exposing them to the light only made them more intense.

The panic attacks continued.

One of the worst attacks came on a solitary drive to Sonoma. That day, the voice of fear decided to strike harder than ever before. The usual symptoms occurred. Pounding heart. Sweaty Palms. Uncontrollable waves of fear swelled through my body. My sanity was slipping. As usual, I tried to resist the pain. I tried fidget around the car. I tried to think my way out of it. Pray my way out of it. But the more I resisted, the worst it got.

At this point, I was at the end of the line. I was tired of fighting back. I was tired of suffering. I had no more energy to resist. And it was at this end, when there was seemingly no hope, that I finally surrendered to the pain. I stopped fighting. I just looked up to God and said, “I GIVE UP. TAKE ME.”

And he did.

That moment was one of the most transformative moments of my life. Looking back, I believe it was my false self being crucified. My shadows being tossed in the fire. Because after that intense pain, there was this indescribable moment of clarity. This overwhelming sense of joy.

For the first time in my life, I felt free.

Now back to the book…

I began this latest manuscript in 2013. On the surface, the book appears to have nothing to do with my journey. It’s about a struggling author who is mysteriously hired by a famous pop star to pen her shocking Hollywood memoir, and then finds himself in a twisted story filled with dark secrets and vengeance. Like I said, nothing to do with my reality.

But now that I’m officially done with the book, I see so much of my own story in those pages. Not in the plot (the book is insane rollercoaster of sex, drugs and rock and roll) but in the main character’s journey through darkness and pain in order to endure deep transformation. That part of the book is real.

In fact, all three books of this future series has to do with mental health. Each of the characters wrestle with darkness and inner pain. And while their pain looks very different than mine (as I assume yours does too) it all comes from the same source. Because pain and brokenness is part of what connects us as human beings. That journey to face our own internal darkness is something we must all go through. It is something we must face together as a community.

For better or worse, I believe that documenting this journey from dark to light is a task that God has been given me. Not everyone is going to appreciate it. Not everyone is going to like it. But that is why I have given every main character in this series my own initials, starting with this books main character, Kaleb Reed. It is a reminder of my responsibility to enter the transformative journey along with my characters.

If you are experiencing mental anguish yourself, I know that hope and clarity can feel very far away. I would advise anyone in this situation to get help. Start uncovering those wounds. Start reading, asking questions. Find a trusted therapist, friend, or mentor. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open. That’s part of the reason I’m writing this blog post. I feel like I’ve never been honest with people about my struggle. I also believe the best way to get rid of the false self is going on your own heroes’ journey. What is your calling? What is your quest? What is your purpose? Chasing it can be painful and scary, but the alternative, hiding and numbing, that is no life at all.

I’m so thankful I have the opportunity to write and follow my dream. Thank you to everyone who has helped me on this journey.

Oh… And if you haven’t purchased my book yet, it’s available :)